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Michael Port

I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups)

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August 08, 2011

This issue came to light last week as I told my long-time landscaper that I would no longer use his services for one of my properties. Afterward, I told Petra that I had that horrible feeling of breaking up with a high school girlfriend who does not like what she’s hearing so she won’t give back your Letterman’s jacket and proceeds to throw a strawberry milkshake on your car (we’ll save that story for another day).

In the case of landscaper, he said things like:

  • I don’t know who this dream guy is that you think is going to be better than me.
  • How can you do this, I’ve always taken care of you like a brother.
  • I’m offended because I always give you a special price.

Oy vey, the guilt was piled on a think as cream cheese on a bagel at Sunday brunch with a bunch of Jews (my family). I suppose I should mention that we did not know each other before he started working for me, didn’t socialize or even speak other than to discuss the work on my properties.

Has this ever happened to you?

You call up your contractor to let them know you will no longer be needing their services and, instead of a professional conversation about why you’re making the choice, you feel like you’re having a breakup conversation with your girlfriend or a family argument with your brother?

I bring up this issue because you’re a service professional and I don’t want you to make the same mistake as my landscaper. Please consider the following two points.

One

Using the bonds of familial relations to guilt your client into feeling poorly about their decision to stop working with you while also creating a false argument to defend the real reason they are dissatisfied with your service, is not going to “save the sale.” Moreover, it’s an adolescent way of being.

Two

It’s OK to become friends with your clients, to have personal conversations and even socialize outside of your work together. However, when having conversations about projects, prices or the continuation or discontinuation of services, remember that you are not their friend, boyfriend or brother. You work for them. Pure and simple. If they are unhappy with your services, you have two choices. One, you can try to fix the problem or two, you graciously let them go. Either way, you’ll find ways to improve your services and will likely stay friends.

Here’s a third and bonus point: If you do work with friends or family, giving them special deals and perks and they decide to let you go, nonetheless, the same hold true. Never mention that you did special things for them. If you’re going to hold that over their head, you shouldn’t have done those “favors” in the first place.

I once heard my friend Ben say, “Don’t lend money to friends if it will be a financial hardship for you if they don’t pay you back.” His point was, the good deeds you do don’t always get repaid so do them because it pleases you to help, not because you require reciprocation. Otherwise the relationship will come undone. And, you might even end up with a milkshake covered car.

Now, since I’ve been treating you like a paying client, even though you’re not, and this post took me two hours to write, not to mention that I gave you that third and bonus point to boot, I expect you to share this post with everyone you know.  If you don’t, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and never write another post or book for you for as long as I live. So there!


72 Responses to “I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups)”

  1. michaelport says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Today’s post: I’m Not Your Boyfriend (and how to deal with client breakups) http://shar.es/HIv6S

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    Reply
  2. Yolanda says:
    August 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    I get the same type of high-school break up feeling when I fire a customer or decide not to work with someone who doesn’t have a referral.

    Sometimes the responses are mean-spirited. A friend pointed out very clearly that the need to belong is a strong one. It is very “lizard-brain”.

    But, excellent point… don’t let your “lizard-brain” take over.

    Reply
  3. Marcel_Perform says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    "I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups)" http://shar.es/HIvOn

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  4. scoremoresales says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Service providers, PLEASE read this- valuable advice! (from my pal Michael Port)… http://fb.me/16LQIQg6k

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    Reply
  5. Tim Brownson says:
    August 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I think the issue is that even though you stood firm Michael, some people would have buckled under the emotional blackmail and that’s why people do it.

    100% agree though that it’s highly unprofessional to resort to lines like that. maybe if he’d said “Is there anything I could improve on that would help you reconsider?’ would have been a better approach.

    Reply
    • Michael Port says:
      August 8, 2011 at 1:57 pm

      That’s right. If he had said, “What’s working and what needs to be improved?,” listened intently and then said, “Michael, will you give me an opportunity to resolve this issue for you? Because, If you’re not fully satisfied by X date, you should definitely find someone else to work with b/c it would mean that I’m not delivering on what you need,” I would have done so.

      In the post, I didn’t mention this but you might find it interesting. At one point, I said, “You know, I’m not comfortable with the tone of the conversation. It feels very confrontational to me. Can we try to change that?” He responded with, “C’mon, we’re like two guys at a bar going back and forth.” I responded, “No, in fact, we’re not two guys at a bar, we’re on the phone and we’re talking about a professional issue as a client and service provider.”

      Reply
  6. Sandy Fowler says:
    August 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Getting fired is never easy but it’s a great learning opportunity. Pleasantly acknowledging their right to leave then asking what is causing their move is a simple way to learn about your services and how they are being perceived, it’s also a way to find out if you can salvage the client or if you even want to. (Then if you don’t like what you hear you can go buy a milkshake:)

    Thanks for the reminder.

    Reply
  7. 2fishweb says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Read this or be prepared to duck flying strawberry milkshakes. via @michaelport http://t.co/BCyB1By

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  8. caroljsroth says:
    August 8, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    RT @michaelport: Today’s post: I’m Not Your Boyfriend (and how to deal with client breakups) http://shar.es/HIv6S

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    Reply
  9. artfulgreen says:
    August 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    RT @caroljsroth: RT @michaelport: Today’s post: I’m Not Your Boyfriend (and how to deal with client breakups) http://shar.es/HIv6S

    via uberVU

    Reply
  10. artfulgreen says:
    August 8, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/z955kmU

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    Reply
  11. Easy Problem Solving | Book Yourself Solid says:
    August 8, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    [...] I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) [...]

    Reply
  12. Bizzeness says:
    August 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    RT @BobBurg: Excellent article by @michaelport on dealing w "Client Breakups." And, no "flying milkshakes" :-) http://bit.ly/pW9JxO

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  13. Bizzeness says:
    August 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    RT @BobBurg: Excellent article by @michaelport on dealing w "Client Breakups." And, no "flying milkshakes" :-) http://bit.ly/pW9JxO

    via uberVU

    Reply
  14. Bizzeness says:
    August 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    RT @BobBurg: Excellent article by @michaelport on dealing w "Client Breakups." And, no "flying milkshakes" :-) http://bit.ly/pW9JxO

    via uberVU

    Reply
  15. lisarobbinyoung says:
    August 8, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Great words from @michaelport: http://bit.ly/pW9JxO Guilt, breaking up with clients, and strawberry milkshakes. Love it.

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  16. Linda Ryan says:
    August 8, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I loved this post, both because I can relate to it (had to “fire” my accountant, because I needed a different/better one and oy vey! It went on for an hour. What I thought would be 5 minutes of awkward discomfort turned into an hour of pathetic-)and mostly because I love a good sense of humor and I SENSE that you have that Michael. ie, the last paragraph. OK, OK, I’ll repost it right now!

    Reply
  17. brendakforbes says:
    August 8, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    RT @BobBurg: Excellent article by @michaelport on dealing w "Client Breakups." And, no "flying milkshakes" :-) http://bit.ly/pW9JxO

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    Reply
  18. MsMin says:
    August 8, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Dealing with this right now – READ: I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/71pOR0I

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    Reply
  19. Emma says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    The other thing to remember especially if you are providing consultative services (“people stuff”), is that people change and grow over time, and just because someone reaches a point in their development when they need something else, does not mean that you don’t provide top-notch services for those in a given stage of their personal (or business) development.

    Because you’re not trying to say that your service is right for everybody, forever (….are you? :P )

    That said, I completely understand what is going on here, people trying to get their emotional needs met.

    Another one to watch out for is the defensive persuasion “isn’t your health/business/whatever worth the investment?” or threats of what will happen to them if they don’t buy or continue to buy your services.

    Reply
  20. henrikoquist says:
    August 9, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Entertaining post on how not to behave when a client (or boss?) lets you go. http://fb.me/16LQIQg6k – by Michael Port via @scoremoresales

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  21. PhilGerb says:
    August 9, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Great reminder for consultants: I’m Not Your Boyfriend http://bit.ly/owEXad Thanks @michaelport

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  22. DHanchey says:
    August 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Bq7vYh3 Good advice from Michael Port…

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    Reply
  23. DHanchey says:
    August 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Bq7vYh3 Good advice from Michael Port…

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    Reply
  24. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

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    Reply
  25. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

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    Reply
  26. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  27. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  28. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  29. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  30. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  31. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  32. tshombe says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @MichaelPort offers a great lesson on handling client breakups (whether you or them!): http://ow.ly/5YlnL

    via uberVU

    Reply
  33. lkr says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (how to break up with clients) http://bit.ly/ndEAfA

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    Reply
  34. lkr says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (how to break up with clients) http://bit.ly/ndEAfA

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    Reply
  35. lkr says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (how to break up with clients) http://bit.ly/ndEAfA

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    Reply
  36. lkr says:
    August 9, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (how to break up with clients) http://bit.ly/ndEAfA

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    Reply
  37. CharlesMuamba says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Z9uhFk4

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    Reply
  38. CharlesMuamba says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Z9uhFk4

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    Reply
  39. CharlesMuamba says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Z9uhFk4

    via uberVU

    Reply
  40. CharlesMuamba says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/Z9uhFk4

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    Reply
  41. Ed says:
    August 9, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    2 hours? Really? Are you trying to make us feel guilty? ;)

    Reply
  42. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

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  43. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

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    Reply
  44. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

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    Reply
  45. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

    via uberVU

    Reply
  46. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

    via uberVU

    Reply
  47. Ali4Coach says:
    August 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ldJ6t6J – Fascinating and enlightening post by @MichaelPort. -

    via uberVU

    Reply
  48. amazingpeople says:
    August 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/h3JzLuT

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  49. amazingpeople says:
    August 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/h3JzLuT

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    Reply
  50. amazingpeople says:
    August 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/h3JzLuT

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    Reply
  51. amazingpeople says:
    August 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/h3JzLuT

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    Reply
  52. eco_mba says:
    August 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    RT @lkr: I’m Not Your Boyfriend (how to break up with clients) http://bit.ly/ndEAfA

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    Reply
  53. Denise Duffield-Thomas says:
    August 11, 2011 at 6:42 am

    I love this article!

    I had to ask an ex-client recently to stop contacting me (via text, Facebook, email and phone!) and she used the guilt approach plus “I thought we were friends”.

    I won’t let it get to that point again – lesson learnt.

    Cheers,
    Denise DT

    Reply
  54. Beverly Boston says:
    August 11, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Some questions I ask myself before firing anyone and you could ask yourself are?

    1. What is non-negotiable for you as to what a client/service professional can do?
    2. Have you tried everything in your power to help/change your client/service professional, or help/change yourself?
    3. Are they really the best person to you achieve your goals? Or in some cases, can you help them achieve theirs? Are you better off somewhere else? Is the client/service professional better off elsewhere and how can you find an alternative professional?
    4. Have you clearly communicated the rules, the process, or your boundaries to the client/service professional?

    If that is the case, then you have done all that you can do so then let the milk shakes fly!

    Reply
  55. Weekend Fun: Don’t Miss These Cool Links | says:
    August 13, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    [...] I’m Not Your Boyfriend – Book Yourself Solid, Michael Port No, he’s not.  Neither are any of my clients (or yours).  Be reminded of how and why you’ve got to draw those lines in this post about how to deal with client breakups with integrity. [...]

    Reply
  56. DeniseDT says:
    August 15, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Love this, had this happen to me @michaelport I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ZhRnYdP

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  57. DeniseDT says:
    August 15, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Love this, had this happen to me @michaelport I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ZhRnYdP

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    Reply
  58. tom_weaver says:
    August 15, 2011 at 9:48 am

    RT @DeniseDT: Love this, had this happen to me @michaelport I’m Not Your Boyfriend (And How to Deal with Client Breakups) http://t.co/ZhRnYdP

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  59. Gary Ruplinger says:
    October 18, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    I have to wonder if that kind of guilt tripping has ever saved that guy from losing a client before or if he just does it because that’s the way it is.

    I had a similar experience when switching insurance companies a few years back and it’s certainly not enjoyable when you’re given a guilt trip like that.

    Reply

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